Parenting Advice: Learning to say No
Parenting Advice: Learning to say No
Is there a battle more intense than the struggle of a misbehaving child vs. “No!?”
50 years ago the concept of saying no was prevalent and often came with a slap of the wrist or smack on the bottom. Many of that generation grew up to be more docile in their parenting techniques, resorting to timeouts or opting to “let the child learn on his/her own.” Today we know that successful and consistent discipline is an important parenting tactic that helps both you and your child.
So, what’s the fuss over saying no?
Parenting Advice - Saying No
Unbridled tantrum carnage.
When we’re just trying to “get something done” it can be tempting to let your child have his/her own way to keep things moving. But a small investment of discipline now will provide dividends of obedience later. Or … that’s the theory at least.
From 1-3 parenting seems like an internal struggle between mother, father, and child. Very quickly that child will be moving beyond the social realm of home and into a new world: of textbooks, kids, and new authority figures. Teachers are not parents, but they certainly require the same, if not more, skill and discipline when it comes to parenting. The best advice is to ensure your child hears the word No at home as frequently as the need arises.
As noted by educator Jane Kim:
What must we do for the children of today? As adorable as they can be, we should not be reluctant to say ‘no’. Saying ‘no’ may cause disappointment for the child, but it can boost the confidence and self-esteem.
Saying ‘no’ can create self-discipline which promotes success in school. Saying ‘no’ can teach a child that there are other ways to solve a problem. Saying ‘no’ can develop healthy relationships between parents and children…(or, teachers & students). We as adults must also understand that giving into our children’s every desire is not always the solution to keeping them happy.
If you find that you have a hard time saying no then consider for a moment if this hang up is deeper than just your relationship with your kids. Think about these 3 items which may be holding you back in other areas of your life:
Wanting to be agreeable - You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you conform to others’ requests. Putting this into perspective: Do you feel like saying No to your child would make your child not like you? Parenting Tip – this won’t happen.
Fear of conflict – You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future. Of course every parent wants to avoid conflict, but don’t fear it. Sometimes its important and necessary.
Fear of lost opportunities – Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future. Take a similar situation when you are trying to get your child ready to leave the house to go to the park. Is sacrificing your parenting ethics worth making it to the park that day?
So …
Man up (or woman up) and tell your child No. Stick to it and if you’re lucky you’ll receive a 200% return on your investment in the form of respect.
Is there a battle more intense than the struggle of a misbehaving child vs. “No!?”
50 years ago the concept of saying no was prevalent and often came with a slap of the wrist or smack on the bottom. Many of that generation grew up to be more docile in their parenting techniques, resorting to timeouts or opting to “let the child learn on his/her own.” Today we know that successful and consistent discipline is an important parenting tactic that helps both you and your child.
So, what’s the fuss over saying no?
Parenting Advice - Saying No
Unbridled tantrum carnage.
When we’re just trying to “get something done” it can be tempting to let your child have his/her own way to keep things moving. But a small investment of discipline now will provide dividends of obedience later. Or … that’s the theory at least.
From 1-3 parenting seems like an internal struggle between mother, father, and child. Very quickly that child will be moving beyond the social realm of home and into a new world: of textbooks, kids, and new authority figures. Teachers are not parents, but they certainly require the same, if not more, skill and discipline when it comes to parenting. The best advice is to ensure your child hears the word No at home as frequently as the need arises.
As noted by educator Jane Kim:
What must we do for the children of today? As adorable as they can be, we should not be reluctant to say ‘no’. Saying ‘no’ may cause disappointment for the child, but it can boost the confidence and self-esteem.
Saying ‘no’ can create self-discipline which promotes success in school. Saying ‘no’ can teach a child that there are other ways to solve a problem. Saying ‘no’ can develop healthy relationships between parents and children…(or, teachers & students). We as adults must also understand that giving into our children’s every desire is not always the solution to keeping them happy.
If you find that you have a hard time saying no then consider for a moment if this hang up is deeper than just your relationship with your kids. Think about these 3 items which may be holding you back in other areas of your life:
Wanting to be agreeable - You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you conform to others’ requests. Putting this into perspective: Do you feel like saying No to your child would make your child not like you? Parenting Tip – this won’t happen.
Fear of conflict – You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future. Of course every parent wants to avoid conflict, but don’t fear it. Sometimes its important and necessary.
Fear of lost opportunities – Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future. Take a similar situation when you are trying to get your child ready to leave the house to go to the park. Is sacrificing your parenting ethics worth making it to the park that day?
So …
Man up (or woman up) and tell your child No. Stick to it and if you’re lucky you’ll receive a 200% return on your investment in the form of respect.
